12/10/2021
- Everything sucks -
Love ended our relationship yesterday. A friendly relationship - yes! But no more stress about sex or kissing. The former wasn't an issue for a long time anyway, but she told me about the latter that she only wonders
“when will it finally stop?”
Punch in the face. My world lies in shards before me, 8.5 years shattered into millions of fragments of hopelessness. I don't know how to proceed. Can I just be a friend? I don't want her out of my life, neither do she want me. We are both the person we can most openly talk to for each other. Completely unprejudiced. I want what's best for her, but I'm out of strength and all the trauma she's carrying is too complex for me to resolve. That's exactly what I wrote to her old psychologist. I got sick at work this morning and was on the phone with my brother. It felt good to say things that she never would’ve listened to. I'm far from perfect and I'm not claiming that at all. I, too, am more aware than ever that I carry some trauma that I have to work through.
I can feel myself changing.
Again towards an independent personality. Progress, while not the greatest for some, has incredible meaning to me. However, I don't see our relationship as final now. I know life goes on, I have faith that no matter what happens, it will be good. She doesn't hate me, I didn't cheat on her, we don't have bad blood between us. On the contrary: We have plans, visions, share the same view of the world and life in most things. But how can you love if you don't love yourself? I am convinced that the psychologist will help her, or us, to understand and overcome the many traumas. She deserves to be happy and to finally be able to live her life consciously. Because only when she is at peace with herself does our relationship have a real chance.
