12/11/2021
- Deafness -
Woke up but not sane. Everything is still numb. Everything feels so surreal. A few days ago there was still hope, then a slap in the face and now I feel like I'm living in a parallel world. She's still here, only 30m away from me but it feels like I've lost her forever.
Is it really true? Never exchange a tender kiss again? Never feel her soft skin again?
Feeling of absolute emptiness. I drag myself from caravan to caravan at work like a zombie. Nothing makes sense and I question my entire existence. Looking back hurts, looking ahead frightens and paralyzes me. Everything I have experienced, done, felt in the last 8 years only became a dream because of her, because I experienced, did, felt it with her, I was able to share it with her. I'm realizing more and more what she really means to me. Nobody knows her like I do. Nobody knows her real strength and how insecure she is at the same time. It feels like I'm falling without hitting the ground the whole time, the heaviness of my body and my mind pulling me deeper and deeper into the black hole of despair. I lost myself. I was just us. Then torn in two. Half is missing now. Everything is coming together in me.
Screams imploding inside me because I can't let them out.
The view blurred not from last night's weed, but from the tears piling up behind my facade. I can't open the valve, just an occasional small leak. The facade is crumbling. It is so old. If all the pain just slips away tear by tear I'll never be able to see clearly again. Scary how suddenly everything loses its meaning. Australia, meaningless. Filming, meaningless. Past, present and future, meaningless. All the progress I've made, even if it was small, was primarily for myself, but that's not worth anything at the moment either. Even one of my
“best friends”
only wrote a short comment about Love leaving our Whatsapp group. No one contacted me personally to ask what was going on. It hurts me but somehow leaves me cold, too often I've met them with absolute disinterest. With my friends, who were like a second family to me, I can no longer cry and laugh with them like I used to, we have grown apart too much. My parents are in the worst relationship I can imagine, and I don't expect any help from them. I can only talk to my brother and am understood and heard. But even with him it's impossible for me to release all the emotions I carry inside me. I am unable to let my feelings take over and cry from the bottom of my heart. Even with her I could never really do it.
