12/31/2021 & 01/01/2022
- NYE -
New Year's Eve. I wake up and I'm still quite depressed, insecure. I will see her again today. It's only been a few days since the last time but I don't know how to deal with her. Talk a lot? Talk little? I don't know who else to talk to for the night, to be honest, I don't care about anyone else. So far not the best prospects for a great start to the new year. I'll probably just go to bed and sleep a little after 12. But I let myself be surprised, who knows what will happen. But I think I've found a way to deal with this situation better now. It helps me a lot to listen to depressing and sad-wistful music during this time and to surrender myself completely to these feelings and emotions and thus be able to lead into them better.
I literally bathe in this sea of dread.
Not forever, just until I get past that initial phase. Another thing that helps me organize the thoughts and feelings that arise is meditation. I find clarity in it. Going to the gym regularly also gives order to my everyday life so that I don't lose myself in pointless things. But the best way is right here, writing about my thoughts, feelings and emotions. It makes them more tangible for me. It allows me to reflect and gives me the opportunity to go back to certain moments.
I never would have thought how valuable it is to capture your inner world in written words.
Finishing my last shift this year, going to the bistro to pick up a pizza. She is there, of course, speaking to me. We have a short conversation, quite normal, and I ask her, as she imagines later, if we should ignore each other. Not because I want to let her decide again, I've already made mine. I'm just curious how she thinks about it. She says we just treat each other like two co-workers. It's ok for me. It means a lot to me that we still talked normally, without any tension and without it feeling weird.
Hope.
Then shortly before 11. I find myself in the midst of my colleagues again, perceive them in a completely different way. The music is the biggest shit. Fucked up a bit. Oh cmon, cliché moment. Ruff raiders anthem, it works. Half tab kicks for a long time, subtle, not full on. Puff puff pass the parcel, joint no. 5 or 7 between my fingers. I notice how much I pay attention to pronunciation, especially with a young colleague and my boss. Since receiving such nice feedback, I feel a lot more free and relaxed when I speak and it feels like I really have internalized the language. I suddenly realize that I am very possessive. It feels like insecurity.
fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuqqqq the acid and the weed are banging in well.
But I embrace the situation and don't judge anything, I feel the atmosphere, all these characters live. Feel whole again, miracle, got my ring back that I lost in the pool a few days ago. At the beginning of the evening in the pub there was a situation that I remember very well: I see Love for the first time in the evening, a local with whom we have spoken several times and with whom I get along well goes straight to her, greets kisses her on the cheek and flirts with her. I stand in front of it and the first thing that comes to mind is this fear of loss, anger, competition. I think I should be with her, standing next to her, very close to show everyone that she belongs to me.
Are they flirting? Is she into him?
Does she want to make me jealous? I understand the toxicity of my thoughts and try to free myself from letting the situation happen and perceive it in a revalued way. Over the course of the next half an hour I realize he's just a little drunk and greets every woman in a way that doesn't have anything to do with her specifically. In such moments I recognize the progress I'm making, my development I'm going through. In the early morning we have hours of incredibly deep conversation with Joy, another german girl.
She and her relationship with her boyfriend are the exact replica of me and Love.
The conversation with her was good, it's like a mirror that is held up to me and allows me to understand better. 7:30, Love and I are sitting on the bed with her in the caravan, reviewing the night and she tells me that she drew a small line of coke for the first time and before that probably half a Ritalin tablet. I'm amazed, she would never have done anything like that, she always said how disgusting she finds it when someone pulls. I don't judge, I just accept. I ended up sitting here and thinking about everything that happened yesterday and how that reflected in my head today. Acid definitely worked its magic again, revealed things to me and allowed me to see the world outside of me and inside in a different light. I am grateful for this valuable experience. I'm looking forward to 2022 and I know it's going to be a special year.
