12/30/2021
- Laziness -
I can hardly get out of bed, I'm totally exhausted. Drag me to work and try to wake up. It's hard for me to breathe, like a minibus is pressing on my chest. I feel apathetic, not really paying attention to my outside world and only in my head. I miss her. Miss hearing her voice, looking into her eyes. Half lying on the floor of a room I realize how alone I feel. She's gone, my love, my best friend, my everything. Again I realize how merged we were and that I didn't even noticed her anymore.
Even though I've listened to her, by and large I haven't given her the attention and appreciation she deserves in a long time.
Maintaining a healthy relationship takes work and dedication, no matter how compatible you are or how different you are. I was just lazy like always. I've carried this character trait with me for as long as I can remember. I've never changed anything about it, I've always taken the path of least resistance. But now I ask myself:
What do I want from my life?
Do I want to lose her, do a normal, shitty job every day, be satisfied, just say "that's just how I am", give up? No. Maybe that's how I was, but it's up to me to choose a different path. I can reinvent myself, I can be whoever I want to be. It's ultimately about more mindfulness and awareness, which makes me make a sum of decisions that make me a new person.
