12/14/2021
- Confessions -
When she came to the pool yesterday it was weird. We behave as if nothing happened, talk to each other normally. But somehow I feel a kind of distance. It's good because that's exactly what we want: to be normal, like friends, with a certain distance. This will allow us to find more of ourselves again. At the same time, this distance creates fear in me. Fear that the distance between us will never be bridged, that the gap between friendship and love will never close for her.
There's no use worrying about it.
I know that a potential exists where we both have a fulfilling relationship together and each for and with ourselves. By finally finding more to myself again, I approach this potential step by step. Even though she said that our relationship is over, but relaxed it a bit in our conversation the next day by saying that she can imagine a future with me but not like that, she took most of my fears away and gave me hope transformed.
We have often had crises.
To be honest, I acted like an ass. I calmed her down and promised I would change, but I either fell back into old patterns after a short time or was too lazy to really change anything about myself. Have I already given up on us? Once in a while. I often worry about who is actually to blame for our crises. If you ask her, she says it's mostly me. I'm almost always inferior to her in discussions. She can express her thoughts and feelings much better than I can and is very perceptive. This often made me feel intimidated and insecure to the point where I couldn't say anything at all without first thinking about 1000+ things that she's pounding on me or that she thinks are wrong.
Then I recently read more about gaslighting and recognized myself in one or the other point.
That gave or gives me something to think about. I also know that our relationship as it was had some toxic traits and characteristics on both sides. Usually, everyone tells you
"break it up, get lost“
when we do this, but none of us have ever intentionally taken the relationship in a toxic direction. In addition, we recognize and work on more and more of these toxic structures in ourselves and in our relationship.
