12/17/2021
- Intimacy -
I felt good today! Unlike usual, I was able to sleep longer today and even had breakfast with her. Now that distance between us feels good. Of course I miss the physical closeness to her and the tenderness, but all the more I enjoy seeing her detached from our symbiosis. Gradually an independent image forms, an image like the one I saw of her before. Before, she was always there, at all times, something I couldn't and wouldn’t shake off of me. It's Friday evening, I'm in the pub and sometimes I sit with this little group, sometimes with the other. There are a few of them in the water at the pool.
A girl stands at the edge of the pool, a boy comes from behind, grabs her and throws himself into the water with her.
I see everything very clearly, time almost seems frozen: he doesn't take her by the stomach or hips, no, he grabs her breasts with a firm grip. I am shocked. Also because his girlfriend is sitting right next to him. I don't know if she saw it too. After the bewilderment, a feeling of disgust spreads, I imagine how incredibly uncomfortable this moment must be for the girl. But she doesn't show anything on the outside. I'd like to piss him off but I'm still in shock. It's unbelievable how women must feel every day.
Next time, I hope I can overcome this paralysis and do the right thing.
She's off work now too. Drinks wine with her colleagues, which she usually never does. Drink alcohol. We talk, the group breaks up, the two of us move on to the girls dorm. A few minutes later I find myself in a dredged shit hole with two joints in my mouth at the same time. I don't mind, I prefer to focus on the pictures and drawings on the walls. Then she goes, wants to go to the pub again. I let her go. A few minutes later, I realize I'm high af and should sleep. She stands there on the way to my caravan. She says she's drunk and wants me to put her to bed.
A moment later I'm lying in her bed and she's in my arms. I give her all the love I have that she misses so much. I can feel it.
I notice how I hold her in a completely different way than before. It's more intense, more energy flows between us. I used to just put my arm around her most of the time, but now the hug feels safer, more protective, more manly. I hug her tightly but gently with my forearm, rubbing her back with one hand and holding her head in the other. My chest presses against hers, I breathe calmly and deeply. With every exhale I bring her a little closer to me. I slowly run my lips over the tip of her nose and we can't hold back. A blast of endorphins shoots through me as we kiss more passionately than we have in a long time. We're getting more intimate, no sex, but I don't mind that either. I am happy. My world is finding its way back into orbit. Then she says, just for fun, I just took advantage of the fact that she's drunk. I immediately question myself:
“I had no intention of becoming intimate with her at all..”, “Did I unconsciously let myself be guided by my urges?”
I tell her what I think and she assures me that she wanted it that way. She wanted to be intimate with me of her own accord, even though kisses made her so uncomfortable last week. This sign means so much to me. Even though it's hard for me, we decide to spend the night separately. We've never done anything like this, also because we've practically always lived together. It feels right to continue to give everyone their space.
