12/23/2021
- The dream -
I wake up and remember a dream. I'm walking through the wasteland with one person, dust, dirt, sand everywhere. The sun is shining, it's hot, probably a picture of Port Hedland. I can no longer exactly identify this person, but I know he is male, one of my favorite singers. We walk along a path and I tell him freely, without any fear of judgement, about my dreams, that I would also like to sing, that I want to be creative. He speaks to me. I don't remember what he said anymore. But what has remained is the feeling that he triggered in me with his words.
I felt so understood and he gave me hope to believe in myself and just do the things that make me happy no matter what others might think of me.
The emotions that this person aroused in me were so strong that I burst into tears in the dream. I cried my eyes out because this role model, this idol, showed me so much honesty, confidence and love. It made me understand that you don't have to be able to do something perfectly or deliver a perfect result. It is often the imperfection that gives something character, that makes it authentic, that makes other people identify with it.
It's afternoon and I'm at work.
She talked to the boss and negotiated that she wouldn't have to pay rent anymore. I also need to talk to him about the same thing. We have a little discussion about what was yesterday. I know she's right about what she says. Still, I'm irritable and unapologetic because I still feel incredibly stressed and drained. That's one reason. The other reason is that I feel insecure, intimidated by the boss when he's actually really ok. I work well and hard, helping where I can to keep this place running. I would deserve not to pay rent anymore.
And yet I doubt myself.
Can I negotiate with him? Can I express myself in this way so that my points of view come across clearly? In the end, I approach him, confident and convinced that I'm worth it. Afterwards I feel good, but the question remains unanswered as to why I always feel so insecure in conversations with supposed authority figures. They are only human just like me and no matter how much money, power, influence or whatever they have it doesn't change that. A little later, I am chatting with a colleague from reception about music via Instagram. That's an easy way to get me. She comes by after work, we sit in front of my caravan, listen to music, drink 1 or 2 beers.
It's a really nice conversation and I enjoy it.
She tells me that she is shy and has a problem with social anxiety. She has the same problem as me: she wants everyone to like her, she always wants to please everyone. I feel and understand her completely. At some point she goes over to her caravan because she is tired. It's getting late and I'm wondering where Love is, she should have finished working long ago. I'll go to the pub and see if she's there. Nope. "Are you alive?" I text her. She says she's already in bed, finished work at 9pm. All very short answers. I didn't see her coming back, she almost had to walk past me. Why didn't she come to sit with me? Worries are building up in my head. Again this uncertainty because of questions to which I have no answers. I offer to make breakfast for her tomorrow and wish her a good night.
