12/25/2021
- What’s Christmas -
4 hours sleep, wake up and feel like shit, hangover. Love comes to my place around 10:30am and we talk. I ask her why she was so weird to me, tell her how I felt. It's about the night I sat outside with Elle, my work colleague. Why I didn't ask her. I understand you. We've had the same situation in the past, too complicated and too long to go into detail here for now.
It was a turning point in our relationship and we nearly broke up.
I noticed the parallels precisely because I remember back then very clearly. Before something like this happens again, I will intervene. Now I'm much more aware of my feelings. The whole crew is back together, we're hanging out by the pool and having a good time. It makes me forget that I was sad yesterday, but at the same time I know that it's not a real Christmas.
But what is Christmas to me?
Having boring dinners with my parents and brothers, gifts that are forced and not heartfelt? Sitting in front of the TV, everyone does their own thing, no traditions, rituals, just a day like any other. That's sad. Or is Christmas with her, together with her huge family, always noisy, sometimes stressful, but by no means boring. The problem here is that I can't communicate well because I'm too shy, afraid. I feel like I belong and integrated, but I also feel a bit alone sometimes.
In the end we both sleep in my caravan, nothing happens.
We talk some more but then I'm too fucked up to keep my eyes open. I wish something had happened, of course, I just crave physical affection from her so much and it feels like I would starve to death slowly perishing. But it would also have meant weakness. We can't always be so inconsistent, even if I don't want anything else at the moment.
