12/28/2021
- Blackness -
Woke up and I feel like I've lost everything I ever had since yesterday. We're taking more distance from each other again, that's what we've decided to do and it makes me sad. I know it's the right thing to do and I have to get through this now to give us another chance in the future. Still, it hurts terribly. So much in my head that keeps me busy. The work here is backbreaking and is getting harder to bear every day, I'm overtired. My development, which is an important building block for a future with her. Her absence, the pain in her breast that worries me.
I have no idea where this is all going, I feel lost today.
Yesterday she told my mother that we are no longer together, I couldn't and didn't want to, and I won't really talk to my parents about it either. But I find myself not telling anyone that we are separated now because every time I say it, it feels more real to me. I don't want it to be reality. But maybe I have to allow it to gain the necessary distance. Maybe I have to completely detach myself from her in order to find myself and thus a healthy "we" again. Today is one of those days when I can't think positively.
The feeling of having failed forms the undertone, overlaid by layers of insecurity and loneliness.
What if it doesn't turn out well after all, and there's no happy ending? If all this is just a slow disengagement. No. It’s good to feel into these emotions and to be aware of them because that's what I have to learn. But negative thoughts generate negative emotions, which in turn generate negative thoughts. I need to find my focus again. I have the power to create my reality. From now on I see it as a necessary step, which hurts but will help me. I feel wiped out. My heart, my soul, just everything inside me has been torn apart again. Emptiness, hopelessness, despair. A black void inside me that sucks in all the positive feelings that had built up, let me close my eyes and never open them again. You're useless anyway. I lack the perspective and confidence to look ahead. To vent my feelings and release the pressure, even now I can't.
Why am I such an emotional cripple?
Once again I don't know how to continue, I'm completely lost in a world that doesn't make sense to me anymore. I texted Elle again today and realized she was flirting with me when she invited me to Netflix and chill. I dodged. Love accuses me of not having changed a bit. She told me that texting my co-worker makes her feel bad because we've been through the same thing before. I understand that too. I just didn't want to ghost Elle, I just wanted to let it die down over the next few days, which seemed more polite and respectful to me. But this is exactly where the sticking point lies:
For her, this is proof that nothing has changed for me, that I still put others above her.
I don’t know what to think. We have a long discussion on WhatsApp. She doesn't want me in her life, keeps saying it's over. It all hit me like punches. I reply that I am worried about her, she replies that I am making her sick and that she has all these problems because of me. I can't even put into words how much pain it causes me to read this. I convince myself that maybe she is reacting this way out of jealousy and that deep inside her a small voice is calling and wants to be heard. Help me no matter who you are. It doesn't matter if it's God, the universe, the strength inside me that I'm lacking right now, please don't help me lose it forever.
