12/27/2021
- Concerns -
I woke up Sara this morning to do yoga with me. It hurts me to see her like this, she can hardly get out of bed, is lethargic and has no strength. Her iron and thyroid levels suck, her diet isn't that great. She has had pain in one breast for 2 months and you can feel something. On January 11th she has an appointment with the doctor to have it checked. I'm just praying it's nothing bad. I feel the fear inside me if it was breast cancer, I would be with her and support her. There's no way I would just run away only because it's complicated and we're not together anymore.
I would help her get through it.
I'm much more afraid of it if it would go to therapy. She hates the pharmaceutical industry, refuses to take her thyroid pills. She believes in healing herself with the right diet and lifestyle. It has happened that people's cancer has "disappeared out of nowhere" through various alternative methods. She would probably refuse chemo for now. On the one hand I want to support her in her belief in herself, after all I share it to a certain extent. But even with something this serious, it's a game of fire, a game of life and death.
I could never forgive myself for not doing everything for her.
But which way would be the right one here? To support her in her conviction and thus to give her strength but to refuse any helpful treatment? Or to steer her away from the only thing she believes in and basically betray her to push her into something she doesn't want but might save her life. I just firmly believe that we will never be faced with this choice. It scares the shit out of me. From now on, with the exception of New Year's Eve, we will see each other less, we have decided. I miss her. I want to be happy with her again.
