01/07/2022
- Watch you fuck -
A thought from yesterday that I had just before I fell asleep still bothers me. Is all of this, this in-between world in which I am currently wandering, which is so opaque, only clouded over by my kryptonite, which I love so much but has let me fail so often? It's an external factor that used to force me to give up or forget. I never wanted to muster the strength to really fight it. But now it's different, I perceive how my inner attitude towards myself and all other things around me have changed sustainably. I don't walk the path I'm on right now because I smoke a joint at night. A few days ago I found out that two of my colleagues are in an open relationship. I've often thought about this topic, types of relationships, polyamory, open relationships.. The norm predicts a monogamous relationship.
But is that really the measure of all things?
Is this really the best way to be in a relationship just because the majority of people have been drummed into this made-up construct and everything else has been demonized? If you free yourself from all the prejudices of our society and see neither the one nor the other as right or wrong, you can better empathize with the different situations. The question is:
do you understand sex in a very limited way, in which it is reserved exclusively for the two partners and does not see anything but maximum fraud in the relationship?
Or do you understand sex for yourself on a different level. Sitting here on the bed, smoking my menthol butt. Love is in the room, so is Elle. I just had sex with her and Love was watching. She was told what was going on between me and Elle and I told her everything. We talked for hours and now I'm impressed by her openness and acceptance. From the infinite trust that she has in me. I am happy that she understands me. I don't know what this is all going to lead to but I'm sure we'll be better no matter what direction we take.
My feelings are hard to pin down.
To be honest, I was able to just block out everything and fully immerse myself in this unique and beautiful moment. To be able to share such an experience with her is incredible. Elle is completely screwed, she says she drank too much but I sense some uneasiness on her part. I hope the whole situation hasn't overwhelmed her or that she leaves this experience with bad feelings. I still think I'm dreaming, everything seems so surreal. It's hard for me to classify Love's emotions. She seems exhausted, whether from tiredness or from being overwhelmed by all the impressions... I can't say exactly.
I hope we can talk about it again tomorrow, I'm sure not everything has been said yet.
And it wasn't, I walk around with her now and she tells me about her feelings. As I said, I had hidden everything at the moment, but unfortunately she too. I didn't look at her and she felt left out. We talk again for hours, sometimes in the pool, until we end up in the caravan and have sex. It's indescribable. She's not the Love I used to know, I'm not who I used to be. She shows me completely new sides of herself and I am deeply surprised. We fall asleep and I don't know whether this intermediate world is becoming more and more a reality or an ever-present dream.
